The Muse's Bitch
By: Clio

It's not MY Muse.  That's not how it works.  If I'm lucky, or perhaps unlucky, I might be the Muse's bitch.  That's at least a more accurate description of the only sort of relationship one can have with a Muse.
Denise Raymond (Note)

I think that quote more than adequately describes the best relationship one can ever hope for with a Muse. I myself have never been stupid enough to think that the Muses who deign to help me with my stories belong to I and I alone. Heaven forbid. I've never been stupid enough to think that. If I did I think they might punish me for it. My Muses are like that. They come from the 'Beat me, whip me, spank me' school of thought. Which I admit I need. They push like hell and I do what they tell me to. Like a good little bitch.

So I'm endeavoring here, with much push from the Muses, to give a little description of my relationship with my crosses to bear. I mean Muses. Oh, shut up ladies the Jim Muse thought it was funny. He of all the Muses who help me is the one with the good sense of humor. Who would have guessed it. He's calmed them down now...some anyway. This article came about when I was whining the other day about not having a Due South Muse. Remind me to never do that again gals. Never again. Whining is bad. After that experience, which I'll tell you about later, I have made a big mental note never to whine at the Muses again. It's a bad thing. Trust me on this. First why don't I introduce you to my Muses. I've got Muses for about 5 characters or pairings overall.

The first to appear were my Beecher/Keller Oz Muses. It happened after their kiss in the season 3 finale. So much teasing and then we get one, admittedly very hot, kiss. I needed more. My Muses needed more. So I wrote A Case of You, a little what were they thinking and picking up where the ep left off thing. Not the greatest thing I could ever do. Thank god, the minute I look back on something a few months, a year, ten, or twenty years later and think it's the best thing I ever did it's time to quit writing, that's it. Now I pretty much think everything I did a few months before sucked, so I'm still continuing to progress. The B/K Muses were insistent about that story and I just had to write it. They would not let me off.

So I wrote it and they've been pretty quiet ever since. After season 4 my Toby Muse is still pretty much curled into a ball moaning pitifully, while Chris Muse doesn't know what to do. I found out recently Keller is coming back for season 5, so they've perked up some. They've made one attempt at an AU, got another in mind. Most writers are doing AU's in the Oz fandom now. It's just to painful to write canon. Trust me if you haven't seen it. You don't even want to know some stuff the guys have been through. We take pity on them and give them better lives. It's justified. A spoiler here, skip over if you don't want to know. Beecher had two of his kids kidnapped. The kidnappers let him know by mailing one of his son's hands to him in prison. His son died, daughter traumatized. That is how bad it got. My Toby Muse is whimpering and crying again. I have to move on from that. Chris really wishes I'd move on because he so doesn't know what to do for Toby. He holding and rocking him now, that seems to at least have tempered the wailing. See. AU's are are friends in the Oz fandom. Oh, in a stint of horridly bad profiling, they also tried to make Keller out to be a serial killer. My Chris Muse just rolls his eyes, throw his hands up and says "Fuck It. Bring on the AU's."

So you get that things are way from peachy in that fandom. So the B/K muses are quiet alot. They need time to recover and strategize. It's hard work for those two, trying to come up with something. I really pity them. They get alot of migraines. I've had those, they suck to the infinite power.

Then the M/K Muses popped up. I always picture them as a group of dominatrices. They intimidate me. I admit it. I do what they say, don't ask to many questions, figure out the story with as much help as they wish to give me, and remember to suck up like crazy. They like that. It's nothing less than they deserve. (I'm still sucking up.) For all of the leather they prefer to don they are basically pretty warm and fluffy. They know I don't go in for the hard stuff and prefer M/K to work out their differences verbally, instead of by beating each other senseless. (Though the beating up thing is really more Mulder's issue than Alex's.) They know I'm fond of AU's and romances. Mulder and Krycek both being top/bottom kind of guys. Both the guys enjoy topping and bottoming in my universe. My Muses agree with me. So we work quite in harmony together. We're in synch. I like that. Never had a problem with the ladies.

As long as you don't count having to stop them from having Mulder and Alex calling each other baby a thousand times in one story. They love that. I try to tone it down, but they wear on me. I have to be vigilant. I swear they try and sneak it past me every chance they get. I edit it out and they just keep throwing it back in later. If I ever finish one of my 'f**king epics' then I may have to give in on some of the "baby's". It may be the only way around it. I am their bitch after all. So do forgive me for being a hypocrite if I can't manage to get them all out of those stories. I do try. They keep insisting though. They say it's my problem getting those out if I don't want them in it, "Deal With It." Yes, that was a direct quote.

As I said I like a nice peaceful story where the guys work shit out and move on to love mixed with a good dosage of hot sex. They like that too. In fact they like warm and fluffy a lot. I have to tone it down and remind them that these are guys. That 'Hello' this is the X-files universe. The guys were enemies once and they live harsh lives. So let's pull back on the sap factor some. I like sap, I do, don't get me wrong. Just don't like going into sugar shock. Some of their stuff can send me into that. I swear they treat the guys like little princes and me like their subservient little sub. know my place they say. I do. I'm their bitch. I get that. I have no idea how many of them there are, seems between two and three. I'm never sure.

They don't talk to me directly a lot. They tend to just give me pictures and story ideas. They work through images mainly. I just get the story playing out in my head like watching it on a tv screen. Dialogue going back and forth. I can switch from Mulder's POV to Alex's at will. Get into both their thoughts and feelings in any given scene. Whatever I need. I always see them pretty clearly. I can look at things through each of them or be like an observer watching things happening in the room, neither seen or heard. It works that best that way with M/K. I had Mulder talk to me directly once and had to tell him to stop. I couldn't take it. I preferred things like they were before. I asked for it and realized why they didn't do it that way real quick. They knew what they were doing to begin with. I realized that when it happened. I didn't want Mulder talking to me directly, I couldn't take it.

The next Muse to pop up was a Jim Muse from the Sentinel. Now Jim he talks to me, directly. As Jim. He is a bossy bastard to. He will argue with me if he thinks a plot point is wrong. He'll get into a discussion with me. He absolutely insists that Jim is a bottom. When I started wanting to write Sentinel stuff he popped up not long after. Shocked the shit out of me, but not really. Like it was expected in some way. I took it in stride and went with it. I already had the M/K Muses so one more was fine with me. He chooses a different tack than they do though. I tried and tried to get him together with Blair to no avail. Nothing I did would get them together.

I even tried some OMC's. I didn't have them as the dreaded Mary Sue's (a character that serves no purpose other than to play a very literal matchmaker and is usually representative of the writer). They were real characters, someone Jim dated who was well-rounded and nice. Sort of a making Blair look at Jim in a new way plot device more than anything. It never worked though, Jim inevitably fell for OMC's hard. There would come a point when I would be ready to break them up or kill the OMC and Jim wouldn't stand for it. The first time he talked to me was to bitch about me killing off his boyfriend. He liked the guy a lot, loved him. He totally didn't see the point in killing him or breaking up with him. Things were going well. He was thinking of moving in with the guy, asking Blair to move out.(All the stories were post-TSbBS, cop Blair with a steady income). I tried to explain about trying to get him with Blair, he didn't like the idea. Said Blair was great as a best friend and he loved the guy. He just didn't 'love' him love him. I asked if he was in fourth grade. He just told me to 'Shut up' and curled back up with the hot blonde OMC on the couch in front of the fire. Conversation over. I threw up my hands and said, "Sure, Fine, Whatever..." I knew when I was beat. I admitted it and moved on. He wasn't going to get together with Blair. So be it. We'd work something out.

Jim eventually explained that he just didn't see Blair as a steady enough guy. I tried to point out that blair was great a guy and the whole throwing his career away to protect Jim thing. He brought up the 'I'm a bottom thing'. Thinks Blair doesn't quite have it in him to really be enough of a top for him. We both agreed Blair could be a top or bottom. Jim still said not enough of a top and he couldn't top him all the time. It would be to tiring and not really satisfying. I was wearing and he knew. Then he brought up the he wasn't in love with him factor. I threw up my hands yet again. I was licked and I knew it. (There's a bad pun in there that I will avoid. I promise you.) He wanted steadier, so I'd find him steadier. He didn't think any of the guys on the show were really hot. Well, Rafe a little, but he complained about him being a pretty boy and not appearing really all that bright thing. So a crossover it would have to be I realized. Bring in an outside character. So I suggested Vic Mansfield from Once a Thief. He squealed in delight when he thought of Nick Lea (so did I), he denies it, but we both know he let out the mental and emotional equivalent of a squeal. He says in that case maybe he did. I could never really connect with Vic though, no matter how hard I tried. Not in a way to get them together. They both thought the other was hot, I just couldn't get them to have sex. Or even kiss most of the time, though I did once or twice. I kept trying, but no go.

Even got Mulder and Alex in on some AU's as a support system. Jim and Mulder hit it off right away, best friends. I swear they are just nuts about each other in the friends department, though they made me promise to never try and make them have sex. It would just be awkward and weird they say. Besides Mulder is dedicated to Alex completely, no questions about that. Not even talking about being with anyone else. Alex doesn't even like to for me to read Mulder paired with anyone else. He curls up in a ball, starts rocking back and forth, whining pitifully all the while. Mulder eventually threatens my life and Alex threatens not to talk to me anyone. The not talking to me works better than anything else. I move on. Even the boys couldn't help get them together though. Vic and Jim were like a couple of pre-teen virgins who had no clue what to say to one another. I kept trying though. Then something happened that changed everything and made things click together in a whole new way.

What might that be? You're probably wondering. Brian Kessler from Kalifornia is what happened. (In case you don't know Brian Kessler was a character played by David Duchovny in the movie Kalifornia. DD was gorgeous in that role, had both ears pierced.) I was watching tv one night and caught the tail end of Kalifornia on one of the premium channels. I hadn't seen the movie in years, don't think I ever saw all of it. This was before DD was number two on my list of hottest guys, Nick Lea being number one. Though he and Nick are nearly neck and neck in that race. Nick is leading though. I can tell you why I never watched all of Kalifornia, the thing that is Brad Pitt. I so don't get what people see in him. I think the only chick over 14 who thinks he's hot has got to be Jennifer Anistin (Who cares if I spelled the Pitt's wife's name right? Anyone?) So I caught the last 5 or 10 minutes of the movie and DD looked so good I had to go out and rent it. I just fell in love with Brian I tell you. Brian was bi and a bottom if I ever saw one I swear. DD went for subtle motions that displayed something I would almost want to call effeminate. Just something about the way he tilted his head, gestured with his hands. It wasn't really effeminate, more like Brian just being in touch with his feminine side, I think. Little movements that really seemed to me like he was trying trying to convey something there. Anyone ever thinks DD can't act watch him as Brian and then as Mulder, two different people entirely.

So I started thinking about Brian, I really wanted to do a story with him. Suddenly he became Mulder's identical cousin. Both of them will shoot you if you mention The Patty Duke Show in their presence. Then this wacky idea came to me. I have this idea for an AU of the Sentinel/X-files where they all live in Cascade. Don't ask it isn't worked out yet. Just this little scene where Brian pops back into town, he's staying with Mulder. Alex comes overto pick Mulder up for a date, walks in and sees Brian and Jim kissing. You know stupid mix-up for a moment thinks it's Fox and Jim, then Mulder comes out of the other room straightens everything out. You know yadda, yadda, yadda. It was a dumb idea, just popped into my head. Might not make it to the final draft of that story. Anyway, Then I turn to my Jim Muse mentally and mention Brian. If I thought that the mental and emotional (he makes me clarify now) squeal that he let out at the thought of Vic was loud, this one was ear splitting. Oh, he wanted Brian. BAD. Capital letters. Brian was an even bigger bottom than he was. I don't think Mulder is a bottom or DD at all, Brian though soo is one. Even his chick in the movie was ordering him around, she was in charge during sex. During their life to. Anyway. I didn't have any problem getting Brian and Jim together. We're talking soul mates here. They talk, they do the relationship thing, and have the hottest sex you've ever seen. I'm trying to get Brian to top. Jim is really going to have to work on how he feels about that. He mumbled something about whatever Brian wants and he's not pushing him into anything. Brian's feelings, something or other. Ok, I'll concede on that point. Brian doesn't want to, he doesn't have to. If he does though, Jim had damn well better get with the fucking program. Sorry I was scolding him there for a minute. He just rolled his eyes at me. I'll get him for that. Talk Brian into topping then we'll see who rolls their eyes. I think I got him visualizing Brian fucking him, he's being swayed. Good Jim Muse. Good Boy. He wants Brian to say that say that Good Boy thing to him. He's got a one track mind. He's wacky too, did I mention that.

So I've got a Brian Muse now too. He doesn't talk to me either. Thank goodness. One talking to me is enough. Jim I can handle. He's funny and unobtrusive. Just hangs and teases me. Let's me tease him back. Argues plot points when he wants to. I usually give in. He may be easy going, but I'm still his bitch. When he wants something a certain way nothing I do will change that. Brian is pretty quite, I got a lot of help on characterization and insight into who he is from my BrianMuse, though. I really like Brian, he's cool. Jim likes him alot to. Says he 'loves' him loves him. Now he's just being goofy. I bet if Brian talked more I'd be his bitch too. He just gets crazy when some chick hits on Jim. He hates that so much. Gets all mean to them. Not like scratch their eyes out whacky. He's a guy, not a cat. Just fumes and glares holes straight through their heads. So we keep chicks who wants to mount Jim far from Brian and Jim.

Now to the part I mentioned above about getting whiny. My big ass mistake. I whined about not having a Due South muses a little in an e-mail the other day. So I got to try one out. Like a test drive, see if I liked it. I've had RayK in my head before, but never really got any stories off of him. Just some fragments that went no where. So the other day I get Fraser telling a story in my head. Fraser can tell a fucking story till you pass out, which if you watch the show you'll conceed to. I hated Fraser in my head, there was just no way I could connect with him. We were like in different time zones. I understood Fraser a lot, but from RayK's POV I think I couldn't really get into his level of repression. Couldn't touch it. I had to let that one go. A little before that I got a Jack Muse from Stargate. That so didn't work out either. I always thought it would be Daniel if anyone. I couldn't take Jack either, he annoyed me. I had to give him up too. I was talking to Speranza the other day about muses briefly, that was the message where I whined a little bit. Never whine at the Muses ladies, trust me. Big mistake. Anyway. She said it better than I could. "Sometimes the muses speak to you-sometimes they don't." You live with it. You get the ones your supposed to.

So I've got the M/K doms, the B/K boys, Jim, and a rather quiet Brian. Oh also, a Vic Muse who is waiting for me to find him a pairing. He just can't get with Mac. Similar reasons to Jim's. Not stable enough, doesn't think he'd commit. Yadda, yadda, yadda. I tried pairing him with RayK from DS, but Ray just wanted Frase. Vic got way to protective about the way Stella treated Ray too. Wanted to smack her or go tell her off in a way that would have made even that hardass bitch cry. So I backed off and we're still working on him. We'll find someone or talk Mac into growing up a little. Whatever. I've got my little collection of Muses that I'm quite happy with. Still no matter what the Muse. I fully admit I'm their bitch. I don't control them one bit. I get the Muses I'm supposed to have, that I can work well with and I'm happy with that. I don't ask for much more. I tried, didn't like the outcome. I learned the Muses know best. I'll do what they say from now on and just wait for them to come to me. It's better that way. Trust me.

Note: The owner of the quote saw the article and contacted me. So thanks to Denise for contacting me and letting me use the quote. It is much appreciated. I do love that quote.

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