This is a parody/commentary on bad fanfiction. It isn't meant to be taken seriously. It was written to merely point out some of the cliche's in many a bad fanfic and the writers view of that. As for feedback, feel free to send it on. The writer is in search of a good flame. Hasn't gotten a really rousing one yet. If this pisses you off, her response to that is generally...GOOD!
“So, trying your hand at slash now, are we?” the Colonel asked. “What’s the matter, you sick of genfic already?”
“Let’s just say I read one too many ‘Sam and Jack fall in love and go skipping through the wormhole hand-in-hand’ fanfics and just snapped” the writer replied.
“So you think writing slash is some kind of antidote? Please, for the love of god, let us use lube.” Jack said.
“Watch it flyboy, or I’ll have you in a three-way with Kinsey and Maybourne” the fanfic writer said. Not for the first time the writer wished there was a special ‘sarcasm’ font. It would make writing Jack’s dialogue much easier.
The Colonel paled, some of these slash writers were truly diabolical. At least this one hadn’t mentioned Thor.
“Wait a minute, didn’t you have me paired up with Janet in your last fanfic?” Daniel said, looking adorably puzzled.
“Yeah, well I felt it was time to throw the shippers a bone” the writer replied.
“So, what am I this time?” Daniel asked. “A trembling, nervous virgin, ready to be seduced by the wicked Colonel yet again? For that matter, why am I always the bottom? I’d like to top someone, anyone for a change.”
Jack winced, he was sick and tired of seducing Daniel. //He’s 35 years old and totally hot, why do these slashfic writers keep writing him as completely inexperienced for crying out loud. Do they really think he could possibly be a virgin? Can’t Daniel be the aggressor, just once?//. Frankly, the effort of first convincing, then guiding a novice Daniel through the first time was getting exhausting.
The writer agreed. It was extremely unlikely that such a good looking guy, who had been on his own since his teens, traveling all over the place, wouldn’t have attracted a lot of partners. The writer had actually encountered some fics that had Daniel losing his virginity on his wedding night. While it was plausible that Jack was his first male lover, the idea that such a hottie hadn’t attracted his share of women was beyond belief.
“How do we get together anyway?” Jack asked. “Is it a ‘Suddenly Gay’ PWP where we simultaneously realize that after a lifetime of heterosexuality that we’re really gay and then jump into bed. Then proceed to have mindblowing sex the first time, without any soulsearching, discussion, research, preparation, (or even lube half the time) and then enter a monogamous relationship. Never have any real world problems to deal with (i.e. Court Martials, Gay Bashing, coming out to family members, fraternizing regulations)and live happily ever after.” Jack said, his trademark sarcasm at 100%.
“Well geez, when you put it like that it doesn’t sound exactly believable” the writer complained.
“Do I get a decent role in your fanfic for once?” Sam asked.
“No” the writer answered.
“Why the hell not?” Sam snapped.
“Sorry, butch. Not interested. Remember the motto ‘One guy is hot, but two are hotter’? Men fantasize about chick on chick action all the time. Why not return the favor?” the writer snarked.
Sam pouted. “You never let me have any fun” she whined.
“True” the writer answered, unsympathetically.
“Aliens force Jack and Daniel
to have sex” Major Davis opined.
“The question is, why would the aliens force them to have sex? What are they, voyeurs? Intergalactic pornographers? Those stories always smack of ‘Mary Sue’ to me, and you know how I feel about her” the writer bitched.
“Daniel dumps Jack for me” Major Davis suggested hopefully.
“I’ll even let him top.” Daniel looked intrigued.
“Get back to the Pentagon, pencil-pusher, Spacemonkey is mine” Jack snarled.
“Hey, wait a minute flyboy” the writer said. “I could see that. Major Davis is a pretty good match for Daniel agewise.”
Jack looked hurt. All right, he wasn’t that young anymore, but there was no need to rub it in.
“Daniel becomes the lovetoy of a horny Gou’ald”. Janet suggested.
“Why is it always me!” Daniel complained. “What am I? Some kind of interstellar rent boy? I’m either a complete virgin, or else I’m roaming the galaxy, getting boned by every randy ET we meet, including an Unas. How come Teal’c never gets some alien booty?”
Teal’c wondered that too. It was unfair that O’Neill and DanielJackson had all the fun, while he, a superb example of Chulakian manhood, couldn’t get laid to save his life.
“A magnificent Jaffa warrior captures DanielJackson, then gently, but firmly, forces him to submit to the warrior’s every sexual whim” Teal’c suggested, eyeing Daniel’s ass.
Everyone turned towards the Jaffa warrior. Daniel blushed. Major Davis looked shocked, while Colonel O’Neill’s face wore a murderous expression.
“H’m, promising” the writer said, thoughts of the Jaffa’s ‘staff weapon’ swirling through her fevered imagination. “Teal’c is the most underused character in SG1 fanficdom. It’s time to fix that. I wouldn’t mind seeing him use his ‘zat gun’ on Daniel.”
“Hey, wait a minute. Dannyboy doesn’t want that” Jack said desperately.
“How do you know what I want?” Daniel snapped.
“You and Teal’c?” Jack said incredulously.
“At least he doesn’t spend his time thinking up stupid nicknames for me” Daniel responded.
Jack sighed. He always knew that ‘Chickenman’ crack would come back to haunt him.
“We have sex all over the base, including the gateroom” Daniel said.
“Come on, what parallel universe are you in that doesn’t have security cameras everywhere. I’d have to believe that nothing, and I mean nothing, could happen in a top-secret base without it being recorded from ten different angles” the writer pointed out. “Colonel Horndog would be in Leavenworth faster then you can say ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’, and you’d be out the door too. Am I really supposed to believe you’d wreck both your careers because you couldn’t keep it in your pants until you got home? You’re grown men, not teenagers. The same goes with sex on a mission.”
“Group sex” Sam asked, eager to get in on the action.
“I don’t think so” the writer said, cruelly stomping on Sam’s hopes once again. “How could you guys possibly work together after that? Besides, am I supposed to believe that virtually the entire population of Cheyenne Mountain is gay? That strains credibility a bit, don’tcha think? Also, I’m sure Hammond would find out.”
“Male pregnancy” Sam suggested, grinning evilly.
“Oh no, not again” groused Daniel. The thought of swollen ankles and morning sickness didn’t exactly appeal to him.
“I’ll be the father” Major Davis offered, earning a fierce glare from Jack.
“No pregnancy - it kills the romance” the writer said, much to Daniel’s relief.
“A good 25 part serial, you could really drag it out. You know the type, full of angst, torture, separations, yadda, yadda, yadda” Jack suggested.
“Do you really think your relationship could survive all that crap? Do you think you could survive that?” the fic writer inquired.
“Sure” Jack insisted. “You might also want to mention I can get it up 12 times a night.”
Daniel rolled his eyes.
//Yeah right, superman. Damn, really could use that sarcasm font about now.// the writer thought.
“Another thing” Jack continued. “What’s up with this ‘chicks with dicks’ stunt you slashers keep pulling? We’re guys in case you haven’t noticed.”
Daniel agreed. Some of these slashfic writers seemed a little doubtful of his masculinity. Occasionally he was written so effeminately he had to check and make sure he hadn’t been given a sex change.
“Don’t look at me, I’m not the one who writes you guys as weepy little wimps” the writer said hastily. “Of course, I could always break my ‘no Mary Sue’ rule and write myself into the action” she continued, a lascivious gleam in her eye.
Jack looked at the chunky, middle-aged writer with alarm (and a distinct lack of enthusiasm). “Uh, I just remembered, I gotta go” he said, at first slowly edging away, then making a desperate break for the exit. He was quickly followed by a stampede of SG1 personnel.
“Well if that’s how you feel flyboy, then forget about it, I’m going back to genfic. Just don’t be surprised when I pair you with Anise” the writer chortled.
End
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